3 Things that Make Criticism Acceptable

I hate criticism. Am I alone in this? I usually try to defend myself when I feel there’s a hint of it being directed at me. But there are some things that you simply need to grit your teeth and bare. The right kind of criticism will make your life and relationships better, particularly your marriage.

*If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. If you reject criticism, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.

I remember when my husband and I were courting. We got engaged first and then began to court. I know it’s different from the way it’s normally done. Anyway, we were just coming out of the I-love-you-no-matter-what phase of our relationship . That’s the doe-eyed stage of your relationship where you’re on your best behaviour. You’ve made promises of undying love, and you’re even ready to jump off a bridge for the love of your life. We had already made wedding plans and were counting down the months to it.

Believe it or not, that was my first real relationship, unless you count the boyfriend I had when I was nine years old. I knew that we had to put somethings in place to make it work beyond how we felt about each other. So I decided to initiate a conversation to help us with that. There had been several things bothering me, but I also knew that I wasn’t perfect, so I thought that there must be somethings about me bothering him as well. I thought, “Why not get it out in the open?” So I said that we should both talk about the things that we didn’t like that the other did. I emphasised that the point was not to bring the other person down, but to help us change so that things would be more comfortable for both of us. He was okay with this so we sat down and started. I don’t know who went first. But we both had our turns talking about things that we weren’t happy about. I said my piece and he said his piece.

Well when he started telling me about some things that I did that he didn’t like, I can tell you, I wasn’t happy about it. But I was the one who initiated the discussion so I had to sit down and listen. It was really hard to do because being criticised about anything makes me feel kind of inferior and guilty (oh, oh, I’m not perfect!). It really wasn’t pleasant hearing those things and it must have felt the same way for him. But, I can’t tell you how much it helped our relationship. Our intimacy deepened. In fact, it multiplied several times over. We had been able to look at each other’s faults honestly and still think, “I still want to be with him/her”. After that talk, we apologised where we needed to apologise, and then we took steps to change the things that could be and needed to be changed.

Some people just love to be critical. They pick up on everything you do wrong. And even on some things that you haven’t done wrong. They’re always looking for your mistake, or always trying to bring you down. If you’ve found yourself doing this to others, try to stop it, it doesn’t help. People will either stop listening to you, become resentful of you, or simply avoid you. If you’re the recipient of such criticism, it’s neither pleasant or helpful.

From that experience with my then fiance, there were some things I learnt about criticism and what makes it acceptable to us:

1. The person giving it cares about us
   
   Different people correct us at different times. Sometimes it’s people at work, and sometimes it’s people we’re very close to. Before you get your back up, think about who they are. Are they people who are usually spiteful towards you, or people who care about you or like you? Do they normally have your best interests at heart? If this criticism is coming from a close relative or your spouse who you know really cares about you, learn to give ear to what they have to say.




2. The intention is to improve us
   
   The purpose of the right kind of criticism should always be to improve us. If you want to correct someone, make sure that it’s always to improve that person’s life and your relationship. Don’t do it simply to bring the other person down. It should always be to help them do better or live better in that area of life. Don’t do it to make them do things the way you would do them. For example, don’t criticise someone because they don’t load the dishwasher the way you would. Your way isn’t necessarily the best way. But that’s another day’s talk.




3. It’s presented properly
   
   I remember watching one of those day time talk shows where people talk about different issues affecting their family and friends. This particular episode was about people killing themselves by overeating. They would ask the friend or relative to come out first and talk about the problem and the person. Then, they would ask the person in question to come out. Well, the “overeater’s” best friend came out first. He was a skinny middle-aged man. He talked about how concerned he was for his friend and how much he wanted him to do something about his problem. Well, as soon as his friend came out, he began to shout, “I’ve been telling you to stop it, I’ve been telling you to stop it. You’re killing yourself…!”. Oh, oh, I thought, “Not the best way to get him to change”. If this was the way he had been presenting his concern, no wonder he wasn’t getting the result he wanted.

No matter how good your intentions are, if you don’t present your criticism properly, it probably won’t be heeded. One of the better ways is to present solutions and not simply express blame.

*Proverbs 15:30-32 (New Living Translation)